Perfect
by Fading Grace
Summary: A sequel to Temperature. Long story short... there's trouble in paradise. Another series of short Hitachiin things, in the general trend of romance and angst.
1. Perfect Pt 1

Oh, lookit. A sequel. Grace doesn't do sequels. Weird.

Anyway, it turns out that to make a plot for this one, Adi had to turn into Cassandra and, yes, that last bit was lulling. Apparently. By her definitions. Y'know. Whatever.

Tally ho.

* * *

Things are going well. 

Yes. Well.

A week into _that_ kind of relationship and Kaoru refuses to get used to it.

He's always a little jumpy, not quite as happy as _I_ am and _he_ ought to be and it's turning the world just a little gray.

But I won't let it hurt me.

Because I'm happy.

This is a new kind of relationship for us to explore as brothers and as friends and even, yes, as lovers.

Maybe...

If he could show me that he is happy.

Because if I can't make him happy, what future is there?


	2. Perfect Pt 2

Oh - and when I said 'plot', I meant that I have no idea where I'm going with this. But things turned out well with Temperature, right? Same deal.

* * *

Things are... going well. 

They are.

Very well.

Hikaru is Hikaru and charming and I love him so much but...

But I'm a pessimist at heart.

And I know - _I_ know, because I'm always the one that thinks and we're different and it changes everything but everything's the same - that _this isn't real_.

It's too perfect.

Nothing this perfect will last.

And I've been...

I can't say that I've been through a lot, because I'm moving past that...

But I don't want to be hurt again.

I just... don't. 


	3. Work

These things generally work themselves out. Right?

I mean, Kaoru's just… nervous or something… because it's new and he's getting used to it. You know, the whole 'couple' thing.

And he'll get used to it.

I mean… he has to.

Because he sort of hasn't touched me for a week.

Not on purpose, at least. I touch him a lot, whenever I can, but it's a little discouraging when he flinches.

But I'm determined.

We've been together for sixteen years. We can be Together for longer than one week.

Definitely.

I just need to get Kaoru to cooperate.

No problem.


	4. Mud

I hate myself.

Fervently.

Every time he has to force a smile and try to make small talk, every time I try to get out of this prison of a body to work on fixing us, every time an awkward conversation lapses into awkward chuckling and awkward silence –

I _hate_ myself.

And I don't see how Hikaru could love me.

He is brightness, and naïveté, and childlike mischief, and an absurd amount of sex appeal.

And I am mud.

I'm too stupid to even take a good thing when it's offered.

But something will happen.

(Change?)

(Implode?)

It has to.


	5. Hard

It's hard.

It's hard for me to watch Kaoru slouch morosely in his seat, shoulders practically touching his ears.

It's hard for me to tell if this is how Kaoru is, this quiet, timid, lugubrious person who is so unlike me.

It's hard for me to imagine pretending to be unlike myself, just to keep from hurting someone else.

It's hard for me to understand loving someone that much and then putting all of it in jeopardy, for any reason.

It's hard for me to understand why Kaoru does everything he does.

But for his sake, I'll try.

I'll try.


	6. Hope

I said something to Hikaru today.

Not something stupid, like answering his questions.

I said something _meaningful_.

I said, "How can you keep pushing forward, even when –" (and I had to work hard, because talking about a problem makes it breathe) "– even when it all goes to hell?"

It was the first question I asked him since… a very long time ago.

Too long ago.

He blinked, gave the most deliciously relieved smile, and said, "I just trust the other person to stick it out with me."

It didn't matter how specific his answer was.

We'll make it.


	7. Still

And all of a sudden, Kaoru's okay.

We're both okay.

Now, instead of slumping, he sits at the edge of his chair, trying to stretch his knee to meet mine.

He talks to me more, leaning toward me eagerly and trying to race the wind with his words.

I feel so…

…Still.

This is Kaoru.

What about the quiet boy?

Also Kaoru.

…I don't feel anxious, or afraid…

…Not really.

But things aren't peaceful, either.

We're still.

Waiting.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Waiting for whoever Kaoru's going to show me next.

I hope he's just as interesting.


	8. Creepy

I can honestly say that two frequent clients, in particular, creep me out.

The first, Itari, is always chipper and uses words like "lubrication" as easily as "yes" and "no". I mean, she's not hurting anyone or being suggestive, but…

There's also her bodyguard/friend.

Jata.

She doesn't talk.

Ever.

And sharp things disappear when she's near them. She puts everything back, but…

…I'm still working out where the sharp things disappear _to_.

Kaoru says that he doesn't mind them. He worked out that the best way to keep one from attacking is to compliment the other.

He knows this… how?

* * *

Um. These two ladies are shamelessly stolen from Leviticus Lied's Naruto fic _Lies_. I just love them a lot. I had to include them in something, somewhere. They're Leviticus' Original Characters, though, so I should not get credit. And, I promise, they're better and make more sense when they're in the context of Leviticus' work. 


	9. Trick

Inspired by my English teacher, whom I loathe.

* * *

Most people don't think like I do. 

If you saw a wallet, would you take it? Would you feel that the owner's stupidity gave you the right to it?

Would you feel guilty if you took one extra cookie? Would you lie about it?

If you tricked someone, I mean.

I like knowing more than other people. Usually, I withhold a detail or let them assume something…

The problem is, I used to share all of everything with Kaoru, and it didn't bother me that he knew just as much.

What about now, when we are so much more than Us?


	10. Fantasy

I'm sitting in class, staring at these really unfortunate brown curls on a girl whose bones really can't support them.

And the teacher's babbling about something…

And I daydream.

Usually, 'daydreaming' is just thinking of a neat new prank to play, but…

This was a bit of a – a fantasy.

It was a sunny place, like a garden. It had a garden-y feel.

The sunlight is filling my mouth and sitting heavily on my tongue.

The entire scene tastes goldenrod in my memory.

Does that make any sense?

Kaoru is sitting with me.

We're talking.

Why is that so distant?


	11. Concert

We went to a concert.

It was wild, and loud, and stank of every stage in a beer's life.

When Hikaru first mentioned it, there was a weird moment when we both considered inviting the others, and both disregarded it.

And then it was just us, having fun dressing up and messing around in the back seat like we used to and squeezing as close to the stage was we could get.

And we were forced too close together, and I remembered that we hadn't kissed properly in…

…Much, much, much too long.

We got home breathless, past curfew, and letting each other's taste linger.


	12. Imaginative

We're different, but the same.

He's more imaginative, I think.

We compete with each other, finding the most dangerous times and places to steal a lick here, a nibble there.

So far, I ave yet to beat Kaoru's application of a hickey as he was supposed to be clutching me tearfully. In front of ten girls.

What really amazes me is that he's so changed. He speaks up, stands out, asserts himself.

In front of _ten girls_.

Every time I hang out with him it becomes more fun.

I still need to publicly molest him.

I'll have to be… imaginative.


	13. Rain

Rain is like a blanket.

I like to go outside when it's raining, let it soak me through to the bone, dance and frolic and generally make a fool of myself.

Even more, I want to drag Hikaru out with me and make him wet, too. I want to play around like when we were younger, like we did at the concert.

Another part of me wants him out there for less noble reasons, because I want to know what it feels like to let things drip between us and then get rid of the distance.

Maybe, someday, we will.


	14. Honesty Pt 1

It's getting more comfortable.

Being with Hikaru, I mean.

Just… everyday things.

Good things.

I don't know how to show you what it's like to tell Hikaru about a nightmare I had when we – such a _different_ connotation now! – were little.

I had heard about commoner fairy tales, and now in my mind they were all coming to tear me apart

I woke up crying and Hikaru was crying and _everyone_ was crying…

He said that he didn't have the same nightmare. He had been awake, watching me suffer and generally freaking out.

His honesty – admitting to worrying – touches me.

* * *

If you're wondering, Temperature 16 (Wolves) is what I mean. So... if you don't remember it, you don't incredibly need to, because the next one explains it a little bit more. You would just... know where this is going already.


	15. Honesty Pt 2

Stop it.

I know.

_Stop it_.

Yes, I lied. Are you happy?

It's just – it was a reflex, alright?

Kaoru was talking about that horrible night when I watched _myself_ being eaten by wolves, screaming and pleading and dying.

How do you tell… whatever Kaoru is to me… that you hated him _so much_?

So I lied.

I knew this would happen.

I automatically set up the world so that I know more than anyone else.

And whatever Kaoru is to me, he isn't _me_.

Not anymore.

And he's better off with the fairy tale. He needn't know the truth.


	16. Smile

It's always good to know how to smile.

A tearful, wobbly thing for when Hikaru tells some devastating (untrue) secret to the girls.

A false, plastic grin for when Hikaru makes a joke out of something in me that I haven't told him yet.

A bright, uncontrollable _smile_ when Hikaru comes up behind me and leaves a 'thanks-for-the-coffee' mark on my neck.

But what should I wear…

"You're in love with your brother, aren't you."

What kind of smile should I wear when my mother says that, as though it's not really a question at all?


	17. Off

Hmm.

Kaoru was a bit…off.

It was weird. He went through his English and History homework without trying to show me, and Math and Physics went without a comment or question.

I asked what was wrong – I did – but he just said that he was tired and was there something I wanted to do?

So I left him to it and let him fill his own time, went along with anything he seemed interested in.

He just asked me to read, or something, and then he curled up on top of me and stayed still.

Well. _Now_, I'm worried.


	18. Terrified

(Gurgle). Um. You guys are gr-friggin'-mazing. And multi-lingual. Thank you, thank you, thank you to Tiya-hxr for offering to translate Temperature into French - that's _four different lagnuages_, now. I might die from the awesome coming off of you three: Sambucivox (Spanish), mifril (Russian), and Tiya-hxr (French). I must lead a charmed life...

* * *

I solved the smile dilemma by running away.

…Not the best approach, admittedly, especially when I have to live with this woman for a long time yet and this is going to come up again, but…

My throat closed and my stomach turned and I nearly vomited and then –

- I _sprinted_.

Because what can you say when your mother asks if you're in love with your brother?

'Yep. Hey, and remember that time we come home late from a concert? Bow-chicka-wow-wow.'

Hikaru might have said that. Would have found it hilarious.

I'm not Hikaru anymore.

…She'll be back.

And I'm terrified.


	19. Paranoia

Alright.

I'm officially paranoid.

She's around every corner. She's in every dark room.

She's following me.

Especially when I'm with Hikaru.

Every time he catches my hand, Mom's right behind me with that – disappointed? – tone.

It's horrible.

And Hikaru knows. He's worried. He figured it out the first day, for God's sake.

He's more quiet. He speaks softly, because if he doesn't I startle and shake.

It's almost as bad as those first few horrible days.

And –

- Maybe I should tell him. Maybe it's only fair.

The right thing to do.

But he's not…me.

Us.

I'll be paranoid alone.


	20. Calm

Mom talked to me today.

She was calm. Considering.

"Hikaru, I'm sorry."

I didn't know what she meant.

"I scared Kaoru. You've been worried, haven't you?"

…Mom did?

"I…know. About you and him."

Oh.

Um.

_Shit_.

"I'm not angry. Kaoru would know that, too, if he hadn't run away."

How long ago was this?

"Three days. I thought you knew. You both became – more withdrawn."

Well. No. Kaoru didn't tell me.

"You should talk to him."

Wait – she wasn't mad? At all?

"A little put out that you didn't tell us. But, no. Your father predicted this years ago."

Yeah…

Weird day.


	21. Out

"Mom knows about the whole I-love-you-more-than-a-brother-should situation."

My blood turned to ice.

Hikaru shouldn't know about that!

"How – how do you –"

"She talked to me about it. Rather calmly, considering."

"And…a-and she's…"

"You don't have to be so afraid. She's okay, for the most part. Apparently, Dad saw it coming."

I was queasy.

"How…did she know?"

He blinked and tilted his chin up thoughtfully. "I didn't ask."

"How could – why isn't she mad? Why aren't _you_ panicking?"

"More importantly… Why didn't you tell me?" he asked slowly.

Sadly.

Oh, my Hikaru…


	22. Should

He sucks in a breath, bites at the inside of his cheek.

"I didn't think –"

"That it was important? Our mother found out that we're in a gay, incestous relationship. That's not important?"

"No! I didn't want you to be as scared as I was!"

"Well. I was still worried. I knew that something was wrong." I can see that it's hurting him but I don't stop. "I was frustrated with you for not telling me –"

"Alright! Yes, I should have told you!"

"Yes. You should have."

"But it's just so hard to share things like before!"

Then, something broke.

* * *

A-hah. I smell continuity. Weird. 


	23. Quiet Pt 1

It's quiet now.

Quiet like it's quiet after the glass breaks and you're looking for a place to step without cutting your foot.

He's flushed and breathing hard, just as shocked at my words as I am. Eyes that are just like mine stare, opened wide and hurt.

I'm breathing hard, too, because I feel like I'm going to vomit again and – I can't believe I said that!

"Oh…God, Hikaru –"

He shakes his head, mouth pressed into a firm line, shoulders sinking down.

No. No no no.

This can't be happening.

Not now. Not when things were so tenuous…


	24. Quiet Pt 2

It's quiet, now.

Quiet like after your Kaoru tells you that it's hard for you to share things like you used to.

He's heartbroken, about to cry, about to apologize, about to do a million things to try to fix it and none of it could work.

"Oh…God, Hikaru –"

And I can't let him try, because then he might get me to agree that everything's okay when it's not.

So I shake my head and he blinks quickly, chews on his bottom lip, exists in all these different-from-me ways.

I sigh.

It's quiet, now.

"Can we fix this, Kaoru?"


	25. Truth

Ooo, lookit. Already half over, I wonder...?

* * *

I studied my hands to avoid Hikaru's eyes. 

Then the hands moved without my influence, and I realized that they weren't mine at all.

I swallowed and said, "Of course. Of course we can fix this. Why would we not be able to fix this?"

He watched me for a second, then looked away out the window, then looked back, unsure. "How? I don't know a way."

Think. Think of anything.

"A rule. Where – if one askes a question, the other had to tell the truth."

"I really hope this works, my Kaoru."

"It will."

It will.

It has to.


	26. Chocolate

Kaoru walked into our room today after dinner.

I stood because he was nervous, and now I was nervous, too.

He closed the door and stayed still, like I had taken all the energy out.

"I don't –" he started, and stopped, and looked away, and finished, "– like chocolate ice cream."

I breathed out. "What?"

"I don't like it. Never have." He was breathing hard. "Is that okay?"

"Well – yeah. Of course it is."

"Really? All our lives, we've gotten chocolate. And now that was a lie."

"I don't care. You're still Kaoru, right?"

"Yeah." He breathed. "I am."


	27. Ashamed

I didn't mean to make him feel guilty, or that he needed a secret to tell.

"I once really wanted a dog. Did you know that?"

"Yes."

"– And I didn't want to in the end because –"

"– A dog wouldn't fit properly In or Out. Yes, Hikaru."

"I never told you!"

"You didn't need to. I knew."

"How could you know?

…Don't. Be careful. Don't make a face, don't drop my voice. I'm not ashamed of myself.

"Because. I'm your brother. And I love you. And I watched you."

Hikaru sighs.

I'm not ashamed of what I've done.


	28. Handicap

Sorry. I got distracted. I'll try to at least give some kind of conclusion.

* * *

I've been following Kaoru around.

It's a lot like usual, only not. People besides us probably haven't noticed, but they're not us.

I just always seem to be looking at Kaoru from the back, while he's facing out at the world and I'm staring stupidly and waiting.

I can't think of something about me that he wouldn't know already.

I've been trying, too.

It turns out that Kaoru's sixteen-year handicap gives me the disadvantage.

I used to think I was clever, that I kept things close to the vest.

Guess I never expected to need to show Kaoru something new.


	29. Scry

"My first Outside friend was-"

"He doesn't count; you just didn't kick him as much as the others."

"Good point. Um, I would kill before setting foot in the Lourve again."

"After they found us making spooky noises in the sarcophagi? You would have to."

"Damn. Oh! I know where Mom's earrings went when we were six."

"The ones that looked like fireworks?"

"Yeah. Those."

"Hikaru, I was there. I helped you take them. I've still got my half of the set stuck in that stuffed rabbit."

"Have you forsaken General Fluffbutt? There's no way you've forgotten."

"No. There really isn't."


	30. Guidance

Mom and Dad watched their sons' behavior at the dinner table with growing worry.

Hikaru barraged his brother with all manner of tidbits, things that the adults had guessed and things they would rather never have known.

Never ever.

The revelation that Hikaru had kissed an 'Outside' girl in grammar school came as a shock, but Kaoru just dropped his bowl down with a loud clunk and yelled.

I _know_! I know _everything_! Stop looking for something that'll – that'll probably just _hurt_ me more than anything else!"

Dinner was over. Their parents figured it was time to leave them alone.


	31. Shake

I sat with my fists on my thighs and my head down and let him yell.

"Because, honestly? My greatest accomplishment _in life_ so far is knowing you. Inside and outside and with my eyes closed. So I know you and I lied to you and that's my fault, but if you don't _get_ that or can't, can't handle it, or whatever, then just -"

Kaoru stopped, horrified at what he'd almost said.

I said it. "Just break up with you?"

He shut his mouth.

And my little brother started to shake.

It would have been better if he'd cried…


	32. Reprise

"That's…" I say, keeping back the crying thing because _no I will not_. "If you think…"

Hikaru stood up and looked me level in the eye. He didn't touch me, as I half expected.

"Something you don't know about me? Fine." He shook his head and forced himself not to look away.

"Do you remember that nightmare? About wolves?"

I didn't say anything.

"I told you I cried because I was worried. I lied. I cried because it freaked me out and I hated you for it and _that_ freaked me out even more."

I just stared.

What?

"That's truth."


	33. Unknown

"What the hell, Hikaru?"

I stepped back and wiped my hands on my pants, because they were sweating and _had I gone absolutely insane?_

I swallowed. "I was… We were eight and I didn't understand a lot. I just panicked and then felt guilty about it forever."

He backed up. "What? Why would you tell me that?"

I glared at the floor.

"You have to answer," he reminded me.

I bit my tongue and said, "It's something you didn't know. And it's not like I hated you before or since. I wanted to be -"

"Don't you _dare_ end with 'honest'."


	34. Final

Hikaru met my eyes again and his hand touched my arm by accident. I was going to say 'closer to you', but I guess that's right out."

I made a face. "Don't _say_ that, Hikaru."

"What do you think is happening here, exactly?" he asked me, surging forward. In my space except I always shared it with him anyway.

"I don't know. I don't care. But not what _you_ seem to think. Because we're not going to break up." I crossed my arms and felt cold because they weren't his. "And that's final."

"Oh." Then he smiled with relief. "Good."


	35. Heart

I kissed Kaoru – I get kind of irrational when I'm angry, and kind of affectionate afterward – and beamed in the middle of it and our teeth clicked together. "Ow. Jerk."

He hit my arm, but he was still smiling. "You're the jerk. What the hell possessed you to _tell_ me such a _horrible_ truth? Jerk."

I frowned at him and concentrated past the surface.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru."

His smile turned plastic. "It's fine, okay? Done. Hey, though. First lover's quarrel!"

"No, my own. I'm so sorry. I made your heart hurt."

He looked to the side and just said, "…Yeah." 


End file.
